Fun with Southpark

Song of the moment: Last Night (Cover from the Strokes) by Stifla




Last night she said
Oh, Baby, I feel so down
Oh, and turned me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turned around
Oh, Baby, I don't care no more
I know this for sure
I'm walking out that door


Well, I've been in town
For just about fifteen minutes now
Oh, Baby, I feel so down
And I don't know why
I keep walking for miles


But the people they don't understand
No, girlfriends, they can't understand
Your grandsons, they won't understand
On top of this I ain't ever gonna understand


Last night she said
Oh, Baby, don't feel so down
Oh, and turned me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turned around
Oh, Baby, I'm gonna be alright
It was a great big lie
As I left that night, yeah


Oh, people they don't understand
No, girlfriends, they don't understand
In spaceships, they won't understand
And me, I ain't ever gonna understand


Last night she said
Oh, Baby, I feel so down
She had turned me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turned around
Oh, little girl, I don't care no more
I know this for sure
I'm walking out that door, yeah





I am the girl from this song. =P







Har har. Want to make your own Southpark character? Then go to the Southpark Studios and have as much fun as I did! =D


Anywho, here's the update on my life:


Basketball is cheering me up like cheesecake to a fat kid. Haha, just kidding. Anyways, I can definitely tell the difference in my actions between a couple of weeks ago (or even last week) to today. I'm even apologizing for my insults! Now that's improvement. It's funny, I found myself happier after I stopped taking my pills... or maybe it's the exercise. Oh well, whatever. I might just sell my prescription Paxil in the "black market" of our school. Just kidding. I guess I'll keep them just in case I get the usual "blues"... or something.


My first meeting with a psychiatrist is next Wednesday, at 2PM. I just hope we're not doing performances in Drama that day, Darren would kill me. Wait no, he wouldn't do that... he's not that kind of person. Plus, I think he's afraid of how scary I can be when I'm mad. Haha. The next meeting is on the 24th... whenever that is, at 3PM. I have my physical this Friday at 10 AM, which is good, since we have a game next week on Thursday. Wheeee!


The gang (meaning Lorraine, Ashley, Stephanie and I) are going to Lorraine's house this Friday after school to watch a movie. Afterwards, me, Lorraine and Stephanie are going to the dance practice for this one chick's Debut. For all of you non-Filipino readers, a Debut is a special 18th birthday party for Filipino girls. It's like a quincenera (if I spelled that right) in Mexico, and a sweet 16 in America. It's usually a little bit more exclusive that a sweet sixteen, though.. and definitely a lot more expensive.


So far, the only things I really have to worry about is managing my time right between the meetings with my psychiatrist, dance practice, basketball practice, and basketball games. I just have to not flake out in any of those things, and I'm set. I'm trying to balance everything out and make sure that those things don't overlap one another... which takes effort, but I have help from my mom and rides from Lorraine. So it's all good! =D


The only thing that went wrong this week was the little incident that happened yesterday between me and my mom. I was having one of my little..... unexplainable "fits". I wasn't trying to get my mom to worry or anything, I just couldn't help myself. Err, let me explain:




In the morning, I planned to go outside, jog, and go to an outside court to practice my shooting. My mom wanted to come with me, so I said "sure". After she and I watched a DVD, we fought (playfully) to get into the bathroom, and she accidentally slammed the door on my lip. It hurt like hell, so I let her back out of the door and I slammed it. I told her I was okay, but it was obvious that I was pissed off. She went upstairs, blah blah, and came back. She asked me what time I wanted to go, but I said I didn't want to go with her anymore. I guess she was fine with it... later on, she told me to seperate my colored laundry from the whites, so she can do it for me. She was trying to be a good mother. I realized that, but while I was seperating my laundry, I just.... I started getting really mad. I don't even know why. I started punching the walls, kicking the doors, throwing things (while she was out of the room, of course.. so she didn't see what I was doing). And then, I just started crying hysterically. I was out of my mind.


I stomped up the stairs to get my dirty clothes from the upstairs bathroom where I cried some more. I started punching the walls again, and my mom walked in. She asked me what my problem was, but I just screamed and screamed and told her nothing was wrong. I ran downstairs and buried my head on the couch. This was when my mom just went crazy. She started going off about how she was trying her best, how she doesn't understand me, how she wants to just die right there of a heart attack. Then SHE started throwing things, yelling, crying hysterically. I was fucking scared to death. I calmed her down, told her to go upstairs to her bed, and just told her to sleep. I also told her that I'll do the laundry, including hers, and got her a cup of water. I did about two loads until I had to leave for basketball practice, so I woke her up and told her that I put the timer on for the dryer. She wanted to give me a ride to practice, but I said I wanted to walk instead.


Yeah.... yesterday was pretty crazy. After my mom went on a hysterical rampage, but before I left for practice, and between the times I was doing the laundry, I just sat on my couch. No music was playing, the T.V. was off, it was as quiet as a cold, lifeless crypt. I just stared into the nothingness, crying. My hand reached for the blade... oh, that notorious blade.... and even without my intent, I just started cutting away. Cut cut cutting away. I did about ten cuts... I just... couldn't take it anymore. I lost count as to how many I've done so far, and I know it's stupid. SO FUCKING STUPID. Tonight, I'm going to throw away that blade... my last blade... and end this fucking torment.


But I'm happier now. Really, I am. And I'm getting help, I'm doing more physical activities, I'm feeling better about school and life itself. I'm just more positive... WITHOUT the help of medication. I can do this.



Today


Today was my short day. I got to start school at 10:30 AM, so it was a great feeling not having to wake up early just to take a shower. Before I left for school, I watched half an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and watched the movie, Breakfast at Tiffany's with Audry Hepburn. I love that movie. Holly Golightly reminds me a lot of myself... I definitely know the feeling of not knowing yourself, not knowing where you belong. But it's okay, we all know she turned out for the better. Let's just hope the same thing happens to me. =P


Art was okay. I started on my woodcut today, but the whole period was kind of boring. I got to hear about this foreign-exchange student's stories of "scoring with the ladies" all period long. God, he can be so annoying. You can hear him from the other side of the room, and everyday, he's always talking about flirting, having sex, and cheating on his girlfriend. It's pathetic.


Cisco was also kind of boring. Mr. Mejia was lecturing all day again, but it was bearable, since Lorraine and Ashley was there. We basically talked the entire period, which prevented us from going mental. Hearing too many lectures can drive a person mad.


After school, I walked half-way down the "hill" with Lorraine and Ashley. I took the bus home, and was forced to sit next to these annoying little Mexican girls. They kept talking and talking and talking, NOT only talking, but talking in the MOST ANNOYING accents ever. When we reached my stop, I pushed all of them aside and jumped off the bus. Haha. I wouldn't be suprised if they all came up to me tommorow morning, telling me they want to kick my ass. I don't care, I've been looking for a good fight and it would be fun. =D


When I got home, I ate some crackers with a nice, big bowl of tomato soup. Tomato soup rocks. After that, I just watched an episode and a half of Buffy. I got kind of bored in the second episode, so I went upstairs and here I am now. I should really get working on my math homework... wouldn't want to piss Mrs. Madsen off. x_o;;



Later!